The Wandering Monk

Brewmaster Rysu – New Posts On Tuesdays

Confidence of Self

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I’ve had an interesting revelation that I’d like to share with you today. It involves society, how we behave when we’re among perceived variations of social situations and, more directly, how our confidence and sense of self is affected. 

I like to consider myself fearless; or at least to possess a fearless heart. I have faced challenging things in life and, while I may have been afraid, I did the best I could. I made mistakes but I always tried to do my best even as fear was my companion, I didn’t let it determine my destination. 

But there are some people in my life that, when I face them, no matter how long it has been or how much I have changed, they always seem to invoke the same sense in me. 

I recently reunited with someone that has a curious affect on my confidence. It isn’t that they demean or reduce it, but because I value them and their opinion, I inadvertently shed my own self-generation of happiness and instead pour that energy into them. I do this almost automatically. 

Today I realized that I was doing that as we talked. I realized I was not balancing this person with my ability to maintain myself. I realized that I faced this person and evaluated them as someone I wanted to see happy at any cost, but gave no attention to my own sense of happiness. 

I won’t go into how balance once again reveals itself, but what I will say is that confidence, like anything else, starts with you. 

I once heard someone say “No one can put you down without your permission.” I never agreed with that. Hurtful words were hurtful whether or not you permitted them to be. But I think what that advice is saying is that you can choose to see it as something that demeans you; they have power and you’re the victim. If this is indeed  he scenario you believe yourself to be in, then you’ve already lost. But if you can see it as another person inaccurately describing you and instead revealing their own insecurities and lack of confidence, their words ring hollow. 

I took some time to think about how my confidence can waiver depending on others and how I can cement it. The conclusion I came to was that I must equally accept that my actions will impact others and that my actions are first determined from my self. If I am not confident, my decisions and my actions will send the wrong energy to those around me. Despite my best efforts I will spell disaster for myself if it snowballs. Others will lose confidence in me if I do not have confidence in myself. Without confidence, how can they respect me? How could they perceive me any other way than how I am communicating how I am perceiving myself?

And so I have decided that confidence starts with balance. It starts with keeping the dispersion of my energy even and equal, and to include myself in my equation. It starts with not trying to grasp and wrench and control the happiness of others. 

Happiness is a delicate flower. Even well intended squeezes will destroy it. It is Evanescent. It is uncontained and undefined by singularit and form. It is born both from within through trusting yourself and without in trusting your decisions. 

Confidence comes from loving yourself, valuing yourself, and for not accepting any less than having an equal place in your world. Placing others above or below you only shatters the balance. 

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